Introductory Email
To: Brad Blackstone
From: Ong Jin
Date: 21 January 2018
Subject: Self-introduction
Dear Brad Blackstone
My name is Jin and I am an undergraduate studying Hospitality Business in Singapore institute of Technology. I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in Hotel and Leisure Facilities Management and decided to continue pursuing my studies in hospitality-related fields. I initially did not want to continue my studies as I did not find a need to, and decided to pursue a full time job instead. I worked as a sales coordinator with Stamford Catering for one and a half years and discovered my love for doing sales and finding the best fit for customers. What I loved about sales were managing customer profiles and the great feeling I get when they return again and look for me, the relationships I build with my customers when helping them with their business needs. In between school terms, my part time jobs were mostly in Food & Beverage. I worked in a Japanese restaurant and worked for Formula 1 events for three consecutive years.
During my free time, I enjoy writing letters to my pen pals. When I write, thoughts flow out much more easily and it is comforting to talk about daily happenings and even problems with someone located on the other side of the world. As I do not have the chance to travel often, it is another great way to learn about another country and their cultures and I even get to keep the letters as memories and go back to read them after some time. My other hobbies are playing music, Latin dancing, and spending time at home, either painting or playing with my pets.
When presenting, I face difficulties forming a mind map in my head and communicating my thoughts out verbally. Sometimes the concepts and feelings are present, but it always meets a massive roadblock on the way out of my mouth to the audience. I am one of the craziest within my circle of friends, but I turn shy when facing a bunch of people I do not know well. Hence, I tend to stutter and lose my train of thoughts halfway through. One communication strength of mine is sensitive hearing, where I am able to hear tone and pitch changes when they speak that reflects their thoughts or moods.
I look forward to improving my presentation skills under your tutelage.
Best regards
Jin
Blogs I've commented on:
Farhan
Michelle
Wei Xian
Yong Wei
Samuel Koh
ReplyDeleteDear Jin,
Thank you very much for this interesting and informative letter. I enjoyed learning about your unique background, most especially your job experience and your various hobbies. I appreciate the details that you shared. One thing you mention is you enjoy 'playing music.' What do you play?
I also applaud your willingness to share info on your comm skill strengths and weaknesses. We will certainly address those this term.
To start that off, please consider these points:
1) inconsistent use of capitalization
-- ... I am an undergraduate studying Hospitality Business in Singapore institute of Technology. I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in Hotel and Leisure Facilities Management...
-- in Food & Beverage
Please see this webpage: https://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp
2) subject-verb agreement / sentence structure
-- What I loved about sales were managing customer profiles and the great feeling I get when they return again and look for me, the relationships I build with my customers when helping them with their business needs.
3) unclear pronouns
-- One communication strength of mine is sensitive hearing, where I am able to hear tone and pitch changes when they speak that reflects their thoughts or moods. >>> Who is 'they'? The referent needs to be made clear in the sentence.
These are minor issues that should not eclipse the hard work you've done crafting this letter. I look forward to reading more from you this term.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Jin,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your email as it is clear and easy to understand. Through reading your self introduction, i feel that i have a better understanding of you . It is amazing that you enjoy writing letters to your pen pal from across the world. I have tried writing letters to my friends, however i always faced difficulties conveying my thoughts to them.
Similarly to you, i turn shy when having to face a group of people that i am unfamiliar with. Let's overcome our challenges together to improve our communication skills.
With Regards,
Yun Yue
Hello Jin !
ReplyDeleteI thought it was a very interesting and well thought post about yourself. I felt very relatable when you talked about how it is difficult forming a mind map mentally while presenting.
I was hoping you would talk a little about why you did not feel the need to continue education in this field. But all in all a very well written post !
Regards
Wei Xian
Wayne Enterprise
Good afternoon Jin,
ReplyDeleteYour blog post was very interesting and informative. I was very impressed with the job experiences you had. Looking and your hobbies, i have a better understanding of you as a person.
As for your weakness, i feel that it happens with most of the time with people. But with more practices and guidance throughout the course of our study, i believe we will overcome this challenge.
See you around in school!
Best Regards,
Samuel